As The Deadbeat’s World Turns – Ep.16

To my surprise last night, I got a call from my ex-SIL. She lives in the Lower Mainland, but we don’t get together much really. Once a year if we’re lucky. But I guess she got a phone call out-of-the-blue from John (Joel’s twin). To recap, he’s also got a chronic alcohol & drug problem. Bad enough that living on the streets is not uncommon for him. Anyway, I guess he’s been in Rehab for 2 months. On his 4th step now? I don’t know what “step” that is, and what’s involved. AA 12 step thing. I guess he’s taking “baby steps” and called his sister first. And that both him and Joel were in Rehab, but in different places. When she told me this news I just scoffed. Considering Joel’s professional-level compulsive liar skills, I am definately jaded about anything regarding him. His life is literally one huge lie. I told it like it is. I was like, “That’s just a bunch of bullshit. Joel’s not in rehab. He’s on his email every once in a while, and even I know that if you’re really in Rehab, you’re not allowed to use cel phones or check your emails. Right?” And then his sister agrees with me, and I can hear her voice crack. Now…his sister also battles her own demons with alcohol, and still is. When she’s sober, she is a very kind-hearted person. But she’s one of those people who consider themselves “spiritual”. But to me (a person who is hard-ass about tribulations in life, and how to handle them)…this “spirituality” comes off (to me) as almost corny. She recently went to visit her mother (my ex-MIL) in Kamloops. And the MIL is looking really good and is full of energy. Not as competually fatigued as she used to be. So of course SIL is super-thrilled about this. But she says things like how being with her mom is like watching a diamond in the sun, and how her life (SIL) is just complete now. Alot of references about the “goddess” in you. And to me, my first reaction is “Oh for christ’s sakes.” But…that’s me! I just don’t relate to this poufy exclamations full of joy that make pink unicorns come out onto this earth to play. Anyway, so I can hear her voice crack at my bluntness, and of course I feel bad for bursting her “happy bubble”. So I go: “Look, I’ll be honest with you. Joel’s a fantastic liar. I do not believe that he is in Rehab at all. However, I do believe that John is in rehab, and for that I am incredibly happy for you and your family.” Anyway, so she told me how it was just amazing to hear from John. She told him about how their mother had a triple bypass surgery not that long ago, and that she could have died, and they wouldn’t of had a clue. And that John told her that Joel & him had discussed that, and how they have to get their lives back-on-track. I believe that John really feels that way. But I do not believe that Joel will ever get to that point. I do not believe Joel wants it enough. I will call it, and say that Joel will not be able rectify his past actions of being a Deadbeat. His parents will die and he will not have reconciled with them. I truly believe this. Anyway, I guess John asked how his niece & nephew (SIL’s kids) were doing, and she told them how one graduated from highschool and is in a Nursing program, and how the younger son was 6′2″ tall. He’s astounded. and says that he has to get off the phone to have a good cry. However, before SIL lets him, she gets her daughter to talk on the phone with him. Which, of course, hits him harder.

To be honest, I feel nothing. This is a cycle this family goes through all the time. I am “removed” from it all. As I told the SIL, I feel nothing when it comes to Joel. I mean, the best decription to say for me is that I’ve written him off, and if he died, I’d feel nothing. Of course I left out the “died” part as I didn’t want to stomp any more on that ”happy bubble” of hers. I just told her Joel lost all respect from me. I mean, I understand them. They’re family when it comes down to it. They will always have to forgive each other. MIL says how she’s written Joel out of her life, but I am a mother myself, and I know that is not true from her heart. Of course if he came begging for forgiveness from her, she’d give it. I’m a mother, I would too. Unfortunately, I think he’s too far gone to get to that point. But the rise & fall of this family, and their alcoholic demons are so constant in them all. Like I said, it’s just a vicious circle. The SIL was talking about how the twins have to break that bad genetic cycle of theirs (Joel & John’s biological dad was a deadbeat and career alcoholic). I’ll tell it like it is and tell you that Joel & John will never be alcohol or drug-free. Never. And I’ll be honest and say I’m sick of that drama. I am “removed” from it. There’s nothing that will tie me to that family after the MIL dies. It’s the truth as I see it today. It sucks that I don’t get any child support, but it’s a Godsend not to have that cycle of addiction in my kids’ lives as they grow up.

Anyway, SIL told me some interesting tidbits she got from John. Remember how Joel was telling people he lived in Whiterock? Well, the place he is living in is John’s. But of course Joel makes it out that it’s his place, and that his down-and-out twin sometimes stays with him. As expected, Joel’s just an insecure, lying and pathetic being. Oh, and that one time Joel & John were at a bus loop and got in this huge argument. Huge! And finally at one point John screams out: “At least I didn’t abandon my kids!” And then Joel flew in a rage and leaped at John and this huge physical fight started. And the police had to come in a pepper spray Joel to break it up. SIL said that Joel must have guilt issues about it if he reacted that way. No duh! I told her that if he didn’t, he wouldn’t bother telling his friends how he’s a “Weekend Dad” when it’s so far from the truth.

Whatever. It’s their family drama and has nothing to do with me and my kids. Joel pretty much dug his own grave. As I told SIL, I was so accomodating when we had separated. I didn’t even harp on him about not giving me money. I just wanted the kids to be able to see him. I even volunteered to drive distances to get them to him, as I knew most of the time he had no vehicle (if he did, he borrowed friends’ cars). But we all just got sick of him breaking promises, and finally he disappeared. And now two years later, I feel nothing but disgust. I always prided myself to not be “bitter”. But hey, reality is that that emotion sneaks in there sometimes. Myk recently asked me how I’d react if we ran into “daddy”. I told her straight out I’d feel nothing. And she goes: “If we saw him, can I go and say ‘hi’?” And I replied: “You do whatever your heart tells you, honey.”

In my heart, I’ve written him off.